mariellemanahan

Monday, May 14, 2012

Once a Mother, Always a Mother

Yesterday (May 13) was Mother's Day. It was also my very first Mother's Day. I anticipated it would be a difficult 24 hours because I'd just be reminded that I'm a mother without her child.

The truth was, however, that by God's grace and the knowledge I have of His love for me, it turned out to be a great day. I had my moments and shed some tears, but God gave me reason to be grateful.

I'm thankful for the people who greeted me and didn't forget that I was still a mom regardless of my situation. I'm thankful for my mom friends who let me play with their babies to my heart's content so that I, too, could experience the joy growing babies could bring. I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who woke me up with a "Happy Mother's Day" greeting and reminded me of the hope in happier days like these. And most of all, I'm thankful that God gave me Brooke, and that because of her, I became a mother forever.

Belated happy Mother's day to all moms reading this! I pray you all had reason to celebrate the gift of motherhood no matter what season you are in. Motherhood is indeed one of God's greatest gifts to us women.

Labels: Brooke, faith, family

posted by mari_elle at 22:33
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Friday, April 20, 2012

Pain & Purpose

I've been reading Philip Yance's book Where Is God When It Hurts?, and I've been coming to terms with the reality, and good news, that this excruciating pain of losing my baby girl can be redeemed.

I've been asking God for the many weeks since Brooke when home to Jesus that He take away the pain--a pain so unbearable and unreal yet ironically very very real to me. I've been whining and pining to Him, pleading with Him to ease the sting I feel every minute of the day, which is every minute spent without holding Brooke. In reading this book, it turns out I may have been stuck praying all the wrong prayers.

God cannot lie. I know He loves me and wants to bless me. But in knowing that profound love, I should also come to terms with the fact that God permitting me to endure this pain is part of His unfathomable love for me. For clarity's sake, I do not believe for one minute that God inflicted this pain upon me. Rather, He allows me to go through it for a purpose bigger and more grand than I can ever grasp.

Yance explains that pain is actually a friend--a signal that something is wrong and something has to be done. (Think cavity, toothache, root canal). Losing a child brings about the kind of pain that will most certainly linger for a lifetime. So perhaps my prayer should be, not that God take away the pain (which I've learned is impossible), but that He redeem it.

Redemption is in the molding of my character; to have the capacity to trust Him when this world fails me. Redemption is in the lives touched by Brooke's story; as parents it is now Michael's and my duty to make sure her story is told for God's glory. Redemption is in the reaffirmation in my heart that God is God and that He has not, nor will He ever, abandon me; that I bow down to His sovereignty and run to Him in the pain instead of running away in bitterness.

Though I will never desire to endure this pain, I will remember that pain has its purpose, a purpose of which I will willingly, though painfully, do my best to be a good steward.

Labels: Brooke, faith, family

posted by mari_elle at 15:51
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Friday, March 02, 2012

The Blessing of Brooke

Today, I remember my baby girl with tears in my eyes and at the same time, thanksgiving in my heart.

Brooke Gabrielle would have turned one month at exactly 1:41 PM today. Despite the painful fact that she is no longer around to blow her one-month-old candle, to be kissed and cuddled by her doting daddy, and to be dressed up and photographed by her adoring mommy, Michael and I think of her not with sadness, but with such pride at the way she positively affected so many lives and overwhelming joy at the assurance that she is now perfectly happy with her Creator.

It’s taken me quite a while to gather my thoughts and write about Brooke. I spent the past month longing to hold her every day. I wondered if I would ever be one hundred percent ok after losing such a precious one and if I could ever get over this. The answer to the latter is, of course I’ll never get over losing Brooke. What mother would get over her child? But God answered the former by filling me with His love, and that makes me certain that yes, I will eventually be ok.

My previous blog entry spoke about the miracle that transpired in Brooke, and how we believed with all of our hearts that she would be completely healthy, that she would live a full life, and that she would fulfill God’s great destiny for her. Months later, I write this entry still with absolute certainty that God did perform a miracle; He just had a bigger plan and a different outcome in mind. No one, not even doctors, may be able to fully comprehend what went wrong, and we may never get our answers as to why everything turned out the way they did, but we maintain unwavering trust in God’s best plans for us. He doesn’t owe us an explanation after all. His thoughts and ways are far greater and higher than ours. Though we did not receive exactly what we prayed for, we are certain of the fact that God loves us and that His plans are good, pleasing, and perfect.

Through it all, God showed us that Brooke DID live a beautiful, meaningful, and purposeful 61 hours, in which she was able to fulfill her destiny. She changed her mommy and daddy forever, teaching us to persevere in our walk with God against all odds. She brought her grandparents, titos/ninongs and titas/ninangs to a higher and deeper level of worship for a God who is great and deserving of our devotion. She even turned hearts back to God—hearts that were doubting, hearts that were no longer believing, and even hearts that have turned away from Him completely. I could go on and on about all the wonderful ways God used our daughter, but let me sum it up in this realization: the miracle that God had in mind this whole time was the miracle of changed lives. And that was the miracle He fulfilled through our beautiful Brooke.

While Michael and I should otherwise be feeling inconsolable grief, we are instead filled with tremendous hope. There’s the hope that God will completely heal all our hurts. There’s the hope that Brooke’s destiny did not end when she left this life but will live on in all the other lives her story will affect. Most of all, there’s the hope that we will be reunited with her, hold her, and worship with her the One True God in Heaven. She gave us so much joy during her brief time with us, and she left with us a treasure that no one can ever take away—a deeper, more solid relationship with God. At the end of the day, it’s all about Him, His love for us, and the amazing fact that He longs to draw us to Him.

I’m thankful that God brought my husband and me on this journey of faith and love, and we thank all of you who stood in faith with us. In believing for that miracle, you loved our Brooke with us, and because of that, our daughter received all the love she could get in my nine wonderful months of pregnancy and her 61 full hours of life. In believing, you allowed yourself to experience God at work in your heart, to know Him more, and ultimately, to draw closer to Him.

Thank You, Father, for blessing us all with with Brooke. She is and has always been Yours, but thank You for sending her to us for but a short period time to bring us closer to You and to allow us all to experience your everlasting love.

Labels: Brooke, faith, family, love

posted by mari_elle at 17:53
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Saturday, November 19, 2011

Brooke's Miracle

November 17, 2011

Lord, indeed You are worthy to be praised--not just for the wonderful and praiseworthy things that You have done, but simply because you are God. Today, You have given us the privilege to participate in a miracle through the life of our darling baby Brooke. Today, You have shown us that You can form a whole brain out of nothing and that You can move hearts to see You as You are--God Almighty.

Exactly one month ago (October 17, 2011), Michael and I had our routine ultrasound to find out if our little “Sweetpea” (as we fondly called our child whose gender was then unknown) was a girl or a boy. We also had the Congenital Anomaly Scan (CAS) done. To our delight, we found out that we were having a girl and confirmed that we’d name her Brooke Gabrielle, but to our dismay, the diagnosis of the CAS came out with what I’d call “a death sentence” for my daughter.

Brooke was diagnosed with holoprosecephaly, a condition wherein the brain didn’t form during the early weeks of development. The most severe type of which was noted as incompatible to life, which meant that Brooke would not make it outside my womb. This condition also came with facial deformity.

What I felt when these facts were presented to us, I can’t even begin to describe in words. As a mother, I could not believe that such a fate was given to my darling daughter. As a wife, I saw my husband’s pain through his tears and could muster up only enough strength to comfort him. When he was ok, I wasn’t. When I was crying my eyes out, he held it together for me. When I kept crying as I lived in the reality of the diagnosis, he shook me back to his reality--the true reality--of the Sovereign and Loving God who loved us so much and was willing and able to perform a miracle for our Brooke.

When he wasn’t ok and started getting sentimental after a brief visit to Mother Care, God gave me the strength to be the one that was ok, to be enthusiastic in seeing all those little girl clothes, and to remind him of the faith that we held on to. God was truly with us, and He was indeed the center of our partnership as husband and wife. We held fast to God’s first Word for us: Brooke was our reward (Psalms 127:3) no matter what the doctors said.

Throughout all these four weeks, we received support and love of every kind and from all fronts. Family and friends called, texted, facebooked, cheered us up, and prayed for us. The influx of support and prayers was truly overwhelming. What’s even more overwhelming was how our church family stood in faith and prayer with us for a miracle and a complete turn around of Brooke’s condition. Being faced with facts like that, it would have been easier to just accept it and expect even the worst so that we wouldn’t have to be disappointed by what would happen in the future. However, as believers, we knew God wanted us to see the facts with eyes of faith just as Abraham did, and believe that God is able to do the impossible (Romans 4:19).

Our church family held prayer meetings for Brooke weekly. Week 1, we cried out all our emotions and recognized the spiritual battle that this was. We renounced the work of the enemy and even then claimed Brooke’s complete healing. We prayed specifically--for the corpus callosum, falx cerebri, etc. of the brain to be in place. We prayed against any abnormality and believed that God would bless Brook with beauty inside out. We also acknowledged that Brooke was an instrument to tell of God’s goodness, greatness, and holiness. As the weeks progressed,, we could see God doing something new not just in our lives, but also in the lives of those who stood with us. He was not only making Brooke brand new; He was renewing us all!

This journey took us to a much deeper relationship with the One True God and enabled us to encounter Him in a more intimate way. He said to us all, “I am God. Is anything too difficult for Me?” And in all His splendor and might, He always always always said, “I love you so much, my children. I hear all your cries.” How amazing is that?

Today (one month later), we had an ultrasound done with the trusted sonologist of my OB, who happens to be also my Ninang. Admittedly, Michael and I were a little nervous, human as we are, but God assured us to have confidence (Hebrews 4:16) and that we should believe and NOT DOUBT (Matthew 21:21). When the ultrasound started, the first thing the sonologist said was “It’s not holoprosencephaly!” She examined our baby Brooke further, found some fluid in the brain, but confirmed that all parts of the brain were in place. The fluid could lead to hydrocephaly, and since baby Brooke was hiding her face, we could not tell how here facial features were formed. Everything else was perfect--complete spine, perfect heartbeat, kidney, arms and legs in place, good movements!

And this is where it gets amazing: The first diagnosis was not incorrect. It WAS a classic case of holoprosencephaly. The machine was not faulty. The sonologist was not blinded. It’s just that God turned the situation around. He had already performed the miracle by forming all of Brooke’s brain parts out of nothing!

Now, there are still things to pray and believe for. But as Michael and I left the hospital, we praised God for His miracle and believed that as we spoke, the fluids were gone, Brooke’s face was beautiful and without defect, and her development would continue perfectly. As we eagerly await Brooke’s birth some time in February 2012, we are happy to continue the race with faith and expectancy at how God will reveal Himself even more to us all.

In having prayed for the miracle and in continuing to do so, our ultimate reward is not the miracle in itself. The reward is God Himself--knowing Him, being loved by Him, loving Him, and seeking His face. All things will follow (Matthew 6:33).

As we believe in God’s mighty hand, we pray this every night. We call this Brooke’s prayer:

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16)

Brooke Gabrielle D. Manahan will be a living testimony that God is able to do the impossible. She will live to tell her story, and she will indeed be beautiful inside and out.

Labels: faith, family, love

posted by mari_elle at 23:35
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Monday, August 22, 2011

Milk Tea and Me

What a great day it was for milk tea! Twas quite a sunny afternoon, so instead of going for my husband's usual afternoon coffee break, my sister helped us scout for the nearest (if not the ONLY) milk tea shop in the whole of Bonifacio Global City, Serenitea at Burgos Circle.

This was a welcome break from Starbucks since I started detesting (strong word!) the smell of my once-favorite coffee shop. If you're wondering why the sudden change of heart, I have one word for you: Pregnancy.

Tea, on the other hand, doesn't smell as strong as coffee, and it's more refreshing minus the caffeine!

The only drawback to this milk tea drinking session would have to be the messiness and stickiness involved in punching a whole into the sealed cup with such a flimsy straw. Oh who am I kidding? I'm not complaining. I officially love milk tea!

Labels: family

posted by mari_elle at 23:02
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Wednesday, October 28, 2009

One Day to Vacay

It's been several months since I went on a hard-core vacation. The last time was a beach trip with my sister in the early months of summer. It's high time I go on another one, and so what if I'm going to the exact same destination--Boracay. This trip will be different. I'm going there with Michael, and it's going to be our first vacation together. It's only fitting now that we're engaged, well on our way towards married life, and starting to get busy for the wedding preparations. A good dose of R&R is exactly what we need.

On top of that, my girls are gonna be there and my parents, too! So it's gonna be one big party for all of us.

I can hardly wait!

Labels: boracay, family, friends, love, vacation

posted by mari_elle at 12:58
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Thursday, October 22, 2009

It won’t hurt to have some yogurt.

My mama and I went out for lunch today. After a good hour of speed shopping and a nice hearty Italian meal, we had to rush back to the office considering I still had a full afternoon of work ahead. Despite the urgency to get going, Mama just uttered two words, “Want yogurt?” and instantly, I caved and said to myself, “It won’t hurt to have some yogurt.”

Which led us to my newest yogurt discovery, Tutti Frutti, located at the Atrium of SM Megamall. It’s a nice little space with a lot of room to walk around and wander in that cozy world of yogurt goodness. What makes them special and different from all the other millions of yogurt places is that you get to choose from a variety of soft serve yogurt flavors, top it with a good selection of fruits, nuts, and what-nots, and have it all weighed and priced accordingly. This way, you can really control (or binge on) the amount of servings you feel like treating yourself to.
So I swirled a nice portion of peanut butter and plain yogurt, and topped it with slivered almonds.

I was so impressed that I visited their adorable website as soon as I got back to my desk. And now I’m ready to start my full afternoon’s worth of work having had a nice dose of yummy yogurt.

Labels: family, food

posted by mari_elle at 14:47
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Thursday, April 03, 2008

WIth My GIrls

I finally get the R&R I've longed for, lacked, and needed for the longest time. This is my third (and hopefully not final) vacation this summer. My sister, Bianca and I are at Boracay and will be staying here for 4 glorious days. It's only day one and already, I feel rejuvinated away from the hussle and bussle of the city.

Three more days!

Labels: boracay, family, friends, vacation

posted by mari_elle at 22:02
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

13 + 10

I am now officially 13 years old... plus 10! I'm so grateful to all the people who remembered my birthday. Thank you all! The kind words and greetings truly made my day.

This is how I know I have great friends: they didn't object when I lit my birthday candles.

"13"

Either I look it, act it, or they just cut me some slack since it was MY birthday after all.

Seriously though, my only wish is that God fills my life with even more wonderful people. The greetings, the gifts and the simple party were all a reminder that the past 23 years have been enriched by people who have stepped into my life. I feel so blessed that I actually want to hug the world, if that's at all possible!

Here's to a great 24th year of existence!

Labels: family, friends, party, special occassions

posted by mari_elle at 00:21
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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Greetings!

Hope you all had a Happy Christmas and an even more enjoyable New Year!

-From the De Guzman home-

Labels: Christmas, family

posted by mari_elle at 23:38
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Sunday, October 21, 2007

Add some color

I'm usually a very boring shopper. Not boring in the sense that I don't buy anything, because God knows I splurge! Rather, I choose items that are very subdued, classic, timeless... err.. whatever! I admit: my taste is a bit boring since I choose to stay within my comfort zone. I go for whites, blacks and neutral tones especially when it comes to footwear.

So, today's shopping spree is a milestone for me in that I purchased my first loudly colored yellow pair of flats. I never would have given it a second look, but my sister (being more kikay than I am these days) convinced me that bright-colored shoes CAN be an outfit's most prominent accent, adding more umph to your look. I bought these with much hesitation, and due to a strange mirror shortage, had to assess how they looked by having a photo taken.

Having let it all sink in, I must say I've no regrets about this buy. In fact, I'm starting to realize that if there's any time I should be more adventurous with fashion, it's now. And if adding more color, faddish items and bling to my wardrobe makes me walk with a little more spring to my step, then I'm all for it. I just hope I don't go overboard and end up looking like a fashion victim!

Ya'll know who that is! She's definitely no role model when it comes to fashion. But that's a whole 'nother story.

But on a more serious note, I feel somewhat guilty about enjoying a day at the mall in the wake of yesterday's events. People just never see it coming, but it does happen, at least in this country. Sad but true. :-(

Labels: family, fashion

posted by mari_elle at 01:15
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Friday, April 20, 2007

A sister post

"You're the opposite of your sister, you know. You seem to be the quiet type... A loner of sorts."
Now that's the funniest thing I ever did hear. One of my rare acquaintances at the gym told me that after having seen my sister also at the gym the night before. He observed and compared how different she and I seemed to be from one another. While I'd spend most of my time alone at the gym, not really mingling with the people there, but instead, quietly minding my own business, my sister usually goes around chatting with familiar faces - especially now that she's started handling some exercise classes. She really has to be a people person. I, on the other hand, much rather that I remain a discreet gym member and proud support system to my sister who's getting more and more popular by the minute!

In truth, though, my sister and I grew up with opposite roles. She was always thought of as the introvert and I seemed to be the more outgoing type. I guess things do change, and I should say it's high time my beautiful sister breaks out of her shell.

This is not to say that I've become a recluse. I'm just not in the practice of striking up conversation with strangers, especially when I'm at the gym, concentrating on my work out routine, smelly, sweating, and all.

Labels: family

posted by mari_elle at 19:41
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Friday, April 13, 2007

3-day Vacay

Since my sister already posted a comprehensive account of our El Nido vacation, allow me to go the lazy blogger way and post photos instead. Here are some of my favorite moments:

Being whisked away to paradise by a private plane

Hearing the El Nido jingle sung each and every time guests would either arrive or depart. Yes, by the time our stay there ended, we could sing the kalikasan song ourselves!

The scenic boat rides that left us with disheveled hair

The salt water pool in Lagen resort (I just had to remind myself not to open my mouth underwater. Bleh!)

Waking up to the breath-taking view seen from our cottage window

Greeting the day with some Body Balance, courtesy of my sister

Trying to do some yoga poses myself (TRYING is the operative term)

Indulging in the glorious buffets (Note: Post-binge flat bellies shown in the photo)

Cam-whoring on the famous Snake Island (no snakes; just a shore that stretches out from one island to another)

Island hopping to Entalula... Powder-fine white sand, refreshing waters perfect for swimming, and amazing rock formations great for photo ops.

Feasting on endless shrimps (my weakness) Japanese style on Entalula

Snorkeling. I never get tired of seeing the beautifully colorful world down there and swimming with all kinds of creatures to boot!

Kayaking in the still waters of such a magnificent ocean

Having a cozy cottage to go home to at the end of a full day

Bumming on our last day. Sunburnt as hell but satisfied nonetheless.

I'm definitely going back.

Labels: family, vacation

posted by mari_elle at 20:00
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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Counting the hours

11 hours to go and I'm off to Palawan. Guys, wish me luck. I'm hoping I come back with a legit golden tan and not with lobster red skin that would just peel off within several days.

I'm really thankful that my mom scheduled this vacay on a whim. I didn't even get a chance to shop for a new bikini and other beach gear I might need. Then again, the package is so good all we have to bring is ourselves (plus our swimsuits since it's no nude beach we're going to... gasp!).

I need this R&R. I need to spend time with my family. We need to reconnect after being so preoccupied with our individual lives. While I'm at that, it wouldn't hurt to tan this pale tail of mine.