Saturday, April 28, 2012
Back to Normal (whatever that is)
Today might have been the hardest day I've had since this whole season started. It was my first day of work, coming from a 78-day maternity leave and 5-day bereavement leave--the longest "vacation" I've ever had since I started working. It's not a vacation I wanted to have, at least not the latter five days. I simply wanted to have my 78 days (maybe 60 if I had a normal delivery) with my little angel Brooke, but since it didn't turn out that way, I had a long and very insightful amount of time to think and heal and cry and heal and think. God was always present nonetheless, and that's why I wasn't at all miserable during such a long break.
Going back to work just crept up on me, and before I knew it, it was time to get things back to normal. But after everything that's happened, what is normal anyway? It's kind of terrifying to move on to the things I used to do before I had and lost Brooke. How would my normal day look when in the midst of my routines and tasks, I'd still be missing her and still have the screaming longing in my heart to have her here? I just couldn't reconcile it. I lay on my bed this morning feeling paralyzed and simply unable to start the day.
Then in all my analysis paralysis and tear-soaked sheets, God just completely snapped me out of it. I was overcome with such a certainty that I was being held back from moving on because the story I had to tell and work I had before me would be of impact in God's kingdom. Of course, the enemy would not have any of it. So, by God's grace, there I was taking one heavy step at a time towards my new normal. It got easier, then it got a little more fun, til I started remembering what I was here for--to glorify God in every season.
This is my new normal--a juggling act of still grieving yet persevering in the hope and joy that God loves me. It's a tall order, but then God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Labels: Brooke, faith
posted by mari_elle at
00:23
