Give the Day a Chance to Start

Saturday, May 06, 2006

shallow

I stayed up really late last night just chatting with an officemate, Ellaine. We were both getting ourselves all hyped up for a possible trip/vacation to Boracay in the coming months. After that long and lovely weekend in Puerto Galera with the rest of the HR gals, we'd both been suffering from a vacation hangover so intense we just kept daydreaming and reminiscing about the laid-back lifestyle we had for but three days. To think that the others got over it so quickly and we were still so hung up.

This makes me realize, though, how shallow I am. Well, maybe not me, but my dreams. Recently, all I find myself getting preoccupied with are the things that don't really have any lasting, significant implications in my life, as well as in others'. I know I'm made for so much more than this.

If I take a look back at how I used to be, say, two years ago, I'd see a girl, a very naive girl, but one who wasn't afraid to dream big. I'd kept myself busy with activities both in my academics and more importantly in my Spiritual life. I was working towards something, striving to reach that greater goal, and living with a strong sense of purpose. Life, though simple, was exciting because I felt I was securely walking on a fixed path towards God's great blessing. But now, I catch myself seeking ways to add a little spice into this life I often find so dull and dreary. It goes without saying, though, that I end up unsuccessful and back where I started: the void still empty and my heart still seeking.

Maybe age and experience (not that I have that much to boast of) have taught me to be pragmatic... that not all dreams are attainable. Or scars of the past have left me so overly suspicious, pessimistic, and untrusting that I no longer take risks for fear of disappointment. Perhaps I'm simply too busy. With work? And with what else? Nothing else, really.

I'm struggling about this, but I know there's only one thing I'm really missing. One thing that will bring back the depth and meaning of my existence. One thing that I had but sadly lost hold of. One thing that's so easily offered me, yet so hard to receive.

I need God, the fullness of Him, in my life. It isn't enough just to know He's there. He has to be IN there. INvolved. IN my heart. IN my mind. IN my soul. IN me.

Pray for me, people.