Monday, May 14, 2012
Once a Mother, Always a Mother
Yesterday (May 13) was Mother's Day. It was also my very first Mother's Day. I anticipated it would be a difficult 24 hours because I'd just be reminded that I'm a mother without her child.
The truth was, however, that by God's grace and the knowledge I have of His love for me, it turned out to be a great day. I had my moments and shed some tears, but God gave me reason to be grateful.
I'm thankful for the people who greeted me and didn't forget that I was still a mom regardless of my situation. I'm thankful for my mom friends who let me play with their babies to my heart's content so that I, too, could experience the joy growing babies could bring. I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who woke me up with a "Happy Mother's Day" greeting and reminded me of the hope in happier days like these. And most of all, I'm thankful that God gave me Brooke, and that because of her, I became a mother forever.
Belated happy Mother's day to all moms reading this! I pray you all had reason to celebrate the gift of motherhood no matter what season you are in. Motherhood is indeed one of God's greatest gifts to us women.
Labels: Brooke, faith, family
posted by mari_elle at
22:33
Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Learning from Young Me
I did the old fashioned thing and wrote on my journal this morning, asking questions and just allowing myself to be honest with God about my heartache. I flipped back to earlier entries written by a younger me, and I was reminded by 25-year-old Marielle something valuable in this season. Here's how the entry went:
January 7, 2011
On the way to work this morning, I was singing to a Michael Gungor song that goes "You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of the dust." I was driving down the Katipunan C5 flyover at that time and as I saw the rising bright morning sun, I couldn't but recall the times I drove down that road, looking at the same morning sky, and back then, I was alone and asking God to heal my heartaches.
Over a year later, I found more than what I was looking for. I see myself now married to the best man I've ever met and my heart mended completely.
Lord, you truly make things beautiful.
I wrote that entry looking back at how heartbroken I was in 2008 and at how God completely healed me from the hurts of that year. Now, in my brokenness, I'm letting myself be taught by a younger me that there is no room for hopelessness even as I endure this pain. God has already shown Himself faithful, and all I need to do is trust that He will make all things new. As He is beautiful, He will make even this tragedy beautiful in His time.Labels: Brooke, faith, love
posted by mari_elle at
07:46
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Back to Normal (whatever that is)
Today might have been the hardest day I've had since this whole season started. It was my first day of work, coming from a 78-day maternity leave and 5-day bereavement leave--the longest "vacation" I've ever had since I started working. It's not a vacation I wanted to have, at least not the latter five days. I simply wanted to have my 78 days (maybe 60 if I had a normal delivery) with my little angel Brooke, but since it didn't turn out that way, I had a long and very insightful amount of time to think and heal and cry and heal and think. God was always present nonetheless, and that's why I wasn't at all miserable during such a long break.
Going back to work just crept up on me, and before I knew it, it was time to get things back to normal. But after everything that's happened, what is normal anyway? It's kind of terrifying to move on to the things I used to do before I had and lost Brooke. How would my normal day look when in the midst of my routines and tasks, I'd still be missing her and still have the screaming longing in my heart to have her here? I just couldn't reconcile it. I lay on my bed this morning feeling paralyzed and simply unable to start the day.
Then in all my analysis paralysis and tear-soaked sheets, God just completely snapped me out of it. I was overcome with such a certainty that I was being held back from moving on because the story I had to tell and work I had before me would be of impact in God's kingdom. Of course, the enemy would not have any of it. So, by God's grace, there I was taking one heavy step at a time towards my new normal. It got easier, then it got a little more fun, til I started remembering what I was here for--to glorify God in every season.
This is my new normal--a juggling act of still grieving yet persevering in the hope and joy that God loves me. It's a tall order, but then God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Labels: Brooke, faith
posted by mari_elle at
00:23
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Hurting but Healing
I am one of the slowest readers on the planet for sure! But when I finally found
Choosing to See by
Mary Beth Chapman at Fully Booked after having looked for it high and low since Brooke joined Jesus, I knew, I just knew, I'd devour that book in no time.
She, too, lost a daughter. Her journey was different from mine in that Maria Sue was killed in an accident, but our journey is in many ways the same in that we both understand God's sovereignty and divine plan, we're both happy that our little princesses are safe in the arms of our Savior, and yet we both will never stop wanting to hold them in our arms.
Brooke will always be a part of me, and to be physically without her makes me feel like I can never be completely whole again in this life. I'd like to be able to say that God's grace enables me to move forward miraculously without the scars brought about by losing her. However, I also know that it is in my honesty and weakness that God's grace can be magnified. I don't have it all together, but my Jesus does, and because He does, He holds me together. Broken and yet completely whole in Him. Hurting and yet healing because of His finished work on the cross.
Books have been my friends in this season of questions. I've been drawn to women who have experienced a similar loss, hoping to grasp from their story some comfort that things will get better in time. But at the end of the day, it's just me and my Father in Heaven. No amount of comforting words, inspirational books, and milk tea therapy (so shoot me! I'm into the fad! teehee) will ever make up for the fact that it's only Brooke that I want--to hold her, smell her, tickle her, and see her grow up into a beautiful woman. It's only when I come before God in all my heartache and brokenness that I experience comfort that lasts. It's only when I am able to ask Him to turn this pain into gold that I can truly be happy and expectant at the amazing things He will bring our way as we faithfully walk this broken road with Him by our side.
Labels: Brooke, faith
posted by mari_elle at
12:54
Friday, April 20, 2012
Pain & Purpose
I've been reading Philip Yance's book
Where Is God When It Hurts?, and I've been coming to terms with the reality, and good news, that this excruciating pain of losing my baby girl can be redeemed.
I've been asking God for the many weeks since Brooke when home to Jesus that He take away the pain--a pain so unbearable and unreal yet ironically very very real to me. I've been whining and pining to Him, pleading with Him to ease the sting I feel every minute of the day, which is every minute spent without holding Brooke. In reading this book, it turns out I may have been stuck praying all the wrong prayers.
God cannot lie. I know He loves me and wants to bless me. But in knowing that profound love, I should also come to terms with the fact that God permitting me to endure this pain is part of His unfathomable love for me. For clarity's sake, I do not believe for one minute that God inflicted this pain upon me. Rather, He allows me to go through it for a purpose bigger and more grand than I can ever grasp.
Yance explains that pain is actually a friend--a signal that something is wrong and something has to be done. (Think cavity, toothache, root canal). Losing a child brings about the kind of pain that will most certainly linger for a lifetime. So perhaps my prayer should be, not that God take away the pain (which I've learned is impossible), but that He redeem it.
Redemption is in the molding of my character; to have the capacity to trust Him when this world fails me. Redemption is in the lives touched by Brooke's story; as parents it is now Michael's and my duty to make sure her story is told for God's glory. Redemption is in the reaffirmation in my heart that God is God and that He has not, nor will He ever, abandon me; that I bow down to His sovereignty and run to Him in the pain instead of running away in bitterness.
Though I will never desire to endure this pain, I will remember that pain has its purpose, a purpose of which I will willingly, though painfully, do my best to be a good steward.
Labels: Brooke, faith, family
posted by mari_elle at
15:51
Friday, March 02, 2012
The Blessing of Brooke
Today, I remember my baby girl with tears in my eyes and at the same time, thanksgiving in my heart.
Brooke Gabrielle would have turned one month at exactly 1:41 PM today. Despite the painful fact that she is no longer around to blow her one-month-old candle, to be kissed and cuddled by her doting daddy, and to be dressed up and photographed by her adoring mommy, Michael and I think of her not with sadness, but with such pride at the way she positively affected so many lives and overwhelming joy at the assurance that she is now perfectly happy with her Creator.
It’s taken me quite a while to gather my thoughts and write about Brooke. I spent the past month longing to hold her every day. I wondered if I would ever be one hundred percent ok after losing such a precious one and if I could ever get over this. The answer to the latter is, of course I’ll never get over losing Brooke. What mother would get over her child? But God answered the former by filling me with His love, and that makes me certain that yes, I will eventually be ok.
My previous blog entry spoke about the miracle that transpired in Brooke, and how we believed with all of our hearts that she would be completely healthy, that she would live a full life, and that she would fulfill God’s great destiny for her. Months later, I write this entry still with absolute certainty that God did perform a miracle; He just had a bigger plan and a different outcome in mind. No one, not even doctors, may be able to fully comprehend what went wrong, and we may never get our answers as to why everything turned out the way they did, but we maintain unwavering trust in God’s best plans for us. He doesn’t owe us an explanation after all. His thoughts and ways are far greater and higher than ours. Though we did not receive exactly what we prayed for, we are certain of the fact that God loves us and that His plans are good, pleasing, and perfect.
Through it all, God showed us that Brooke DID live a beautiful, meaningful, and purposeful 61 hours, in which she was able to fulfill her destiny. She changed her mommy and daddy forever, teaching us to persevere in our walk with God against all odds. She brought her grandparents, titos/ninongs and titas/ninangs to a higher and deeper level of worship for a God who is great and deserving of our devotion. She even turned hearts back to God—hearts that were doubting, hearts that were no longer believing, and even hearts that have turned away from Him completely. I could go on and on about all the wonderful ways God used our daughter, but let me sum it up in this realization: the miracle that God had in mind this whole time was the miracle of changed lives. And that was the miracle He fulfilled through our beautiful Brooke.
While Michael and I should otherwise be feeling inconsolable grief, we are instead filled with tremendous hope. There’s the hope that God will completely heal all our hurts. There’s the hope that Brooke’s destiny did not end when she left this life but will live on in all the other lives her story will affect. Most of all, there’s the hope that we will be reunited with her, hold her, and worship with her the One True God in Heaven. She gave us so much joy during her brief time with us, and she left with us a treasure that no one can ever take away—a deeper, more solid relationship with God. At the end of the day, it’s all about Him, His love for us, and the amazing fact that He longs to draw us to Him.
I’m thankful that God brought my husband and me on this journey of faith and love, and we thank all of you who stood in faith with us. In believing for that miracle, you loved our Brooke with us, and because of that, our daughter received all the love she could get in my nine wonderful months of pregnancy and her 61 full hours of life. In believing, you allowed yourself to experience God at work in your heart, to know Him more, and ultimately, to draw closer to Him.
Thank You, Father, for blessing us all with with Brooke. She is and has always been Yours, but thank You for sending her to us for but a short period time to bring us closer to You and to allow us all to experience your everlasting love.
Labels: Brooke, faith, family, love
posted by mari_elle at
17:53
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Brooke's Miracle
November 17, 2011
Lord, indeed You are worthy to be praised--not just for the wonderful and praiseworthy things that You have done, but simply because you are God. Today, You have given us the privilege to participate in a miracle through the life of our darling baby Brooke. Today, You have shown us that You can form a whole brain out of nothing and that You can move hearts to see You as You are--God Almighty.
Exactly one month ago (October 17, 2011), Michael and I had our routine ultrasound to find out if our little “Sweetpea” (as we fondly called our child whose gender was then unknown) was a girl or a boy. We also had the Congenital Anomaly Scan (CAS) done. To our delight, we found out that we were having a girl and confirmed that we’d name her Brooke Gabrielle, but to our dismay, the diagnosis of the CAS came out with what I’d call “a death sentence” for my daughter.
Brooke was diagnosed with holoprosecephaly, a condition wherein the brain didn’t form during the early weeks of development. The most severe type of which was noted as incompatible to life, which meant that Brooke would not make it outside my womb. This condition also came with facial deformity.
What I felt when these facts were presented to us, I can’t even begin to describe in words. As a mother, I could not believe that such a fate was given to my darling daughter. As a wife, I saw my husband’s pain through his tears and could muster up only enough strength to comfort him. When he was ok, I wasn’t. When I was crying my eyes out, he held it together for me. When I kept crying as I lived in the reality of the diagnosis, he shook me back to his reality--the true reality--of the Sovereign and Loving God who loved us so much and was willing and able to perform a miracle for our Brooke.
When he wasn’t ok and started getting sentimental after a brief visit to Mother Care, God gave me the strength to be the one that was ok, to be enthusiastic in seeing all those little girl clothes, and to remind him of the faith that we held on to. God was truly with us, and He was indeed the center of our partnership as husband and wife. We held fast to God’s first Word for us: Brooke was our reward (Psalms 127:3) no matter what the doctors said.
Throughout all these four weeks, we received support and love of every kind and from all fronts. Family and friends called, texted, facebooked, cheered us up, and prayed for us. The influx of support and prayers was truly overwhelming. What’s even more overwhelming was how our church family stood in faith and prayer with us for a miracle and a complete turn around of Brooke’s condition. Being faced with facts like that, it would have been easier to just accept it and expect even the worst so that we wouldn’t have to be disappointed by what would happen in the future. However, as believers, we knew God wanted us to see the facts with eyes of faith just as Abraham did, and believe that God is able to do the impossible (Romans 4:19).
Our church family held prayer meetings for Brooke weekly. Week 1, we cried out all our emotions and recognized the spiritual battle that this was. We renounced the work of the enemy and even then claimed Brooke’s complete healing. We prayed specifically--for the corpus callosum, falx cerebri, etc. of the brain to be in place. We prayed against any abnormality and believed that God would bless Brook with beauty inside out. We also acknowledged that Brooke was an instrument to tell of God’s goodness, greatness, and holiness. As the weeks progressed,, we could see God doing something new not just in our lives, but also in the lives of those who stood with us. He was not only making Brooke brand new; He was renewing us all!
This journey took us to a much deeper relationship with the One True God and enabled us to encounter Him in a more intimate way. He said to us all, “I am God. Is anything too difficult for Me?” And in all His splendor and might, He always always always said, “I love you so much, my children. I hear all your cries.” How amazing is that?
Today (one month later), we had an ultrasound done with the trusted sonologist of my OB, who happens to be also my Ninang. Admittedly, Michael and I were a little nervous, human as we are, but God assured us to have confidence (Hebrews 4:16) and that we should believe and NOT DOUBT (Matthew 21:21). When the ultrasound started, the first thing the sonologist said was “It’s not holoprosencephaly!” She examined our baby Brooke further, found some fluid in the brain, but confirmed that all parts of the brain were in place. The fluid could lead to hydrocephaly, and since baby Brooke was hiding her face, we could not tell how here facial features were formed. Everything else was perfect--complete spine, perfect heartbeat, kidney, arms and legs in place, good movements!
And this is where it gets amazing: The first diagnosis was not incorrect. It WAS a classic case of holoprosencephaly. The machine was not faulty. The sonologist was not blinded. It’s just that God turned the situation around. He had already performed the miracle by forming all of Brooke’s brain parts out of nothing!
Now, there are still things to pray and believe for. But as Michael and I left the hospital, we praised God for His miracle and believed that as we spoke, the fluids were gone, Brooke’s face was beautiful and without defect, and her development would continue perfectly. As we eagerly await Brooke’s birth some time in February 2012, we are happy to continue the race with faith and expectancy at how God will reveal Himself even more to us all.
In having prayed for the miracle and in continuing to do so, our ultimate reward is not the miracle in itself. The reward is God Himself--knowing Him, being loved by Him, loving Him, and seeking His face. All things will follow (Matthew 6:33).
As we believe in God’s mighty hand, we pray this every night. We call this Brooke’s prayer:
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16)
Brooke Gabrielle D. Manahan will be a living testimony that God is able to do the impossible. She will live to tell her story, and she will indeed be beautiful inside and out.
Labels: faith, family, love
posted by mari_elle at
23:35
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